Dominant genes - flared not flawed

Would you look at that. That l’il fella there looks just like my gran, except she wasn’t orange. Well, she had a tinge when she overdid it on the Vitamin C tablets but mainly she was Gran coloured. Aww, I miss my Gran, she’s been dead for twenty five years but I remember her laugh and her tablets and her bunions. Wouldn’t it be great if we saw each other when I died. Ah well, I’ll settle for an eternity of decent kip, that will be sweet.

Marylou and I paid for one of those fancy 4D scans and it was worth every penny. You only get two scans during the whole nine months and in both of them it looks like you’ve sired a flump (this is for people without kids obviously) so for peace of mind and a healthy dose of future shock, a 4 Dimensional scan is the business. The machines were invented by, wait for it, PIXAR! Yep, Buzz Lightyear shows you into a small room, slaps jelly over your bump (not mine of course, although it looked like fun) and points his magic bellyscope at your baby and there he is, swimming around in glue and shite, throwing gang signs and sticking his foot in his mouth. it’s ace! It wasn’t really Buzz (had you guessed?), it was the most enthusiastic lady in the world and her name was Penny. Fuck me, you’d think it was the first time she’d seen a baby. Of course, her performance helps you decide which pack you’ll buy. I don’t fall for such tricks of course, I’ve been around the block a fair few times. We bought the Bumper Gold Premium Pack with an extra DVD of Polly screaming ‘IT’S GOT A HEAD! OH MY GOD! IT’S GOT FEET!

Look! he’s sucking his thumb. What a baby..

Thanks for all the advice about animation, all of it completely useless. I’ve sorted it now with my big brain.

Tomorrow we go see my old pal Akira the Don. Mary is singing on one of his new epic Hip-Prog tracks, can’t wait. If you don’t know him, check him out. He is a beautiful and clever man and he’s going to save us all (he tells me). He’s going to start by eating properly and pulling his trousers up. Watch his space.